


I am

by wytai



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Explicit Language, Fluff and Angst, M/M, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, Mental Health Issues, Self Harm, mentions of abuse, mentions of depression, possible psychosis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-22 00:05:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11368446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wytai/pseuds/wytai
Summary: I am is an incomplete sentence that could mean a lot of things.I am lyingI am fineI am in love with you.I am not fineI am sorry.





	I am

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for @hipsterhobi and @chewysugakookie for helping me with this monster! You guys are the best <3
> 
> PS. if you get trigger by mentions of suicide or abuse, don't like swearing in fanfictions, please click the back button. This fic is not for you. Thank you.

Jeonghan rose from his bed, the sheet pools around his body. He felt heavy and tired, even if he just woke up. It's one of his days. 

Sighing, he walked inside the bathroom, looking at the exhausted and lifeless person staring back at him. He wanted to chuckle but no sound escaped his weary lips. They call him beautiful, ethereal, almost like an angel. They compliment his flawless skin and his silky hair that he cut off and dyed blonde, still, they think it boosted his angelic appearance more. Men worship the ground he walked on, women swoon and sigh dreamily as they gaze upon his charming face. 

If it was anyone else, they would have been flattered by those adjectives used to describe them and the attention they're getting from people. But not Jeonghan. Jeonghan  _ hated _ those words, hated the quality his physical appearance possesses. To him, all of those were lies. All of those are just empty words and fleeting devotion. As soon as his youthful face vanishes, he'd be just another face in the sea of strangers. 

A waste of time and space, Jeonghan thought as he opened the medicine cabinet and took a label-less container that contained pills. He popped one in his mouth and swallowed it, feeling a little less miserable than when he woke up to. He felt his tense shoulders relaxed a bit, his posture not so stiff anymore. He felt more positive, more unconcerned. 

This is one thing he hated too. He had to be dependent on medicine when his days got worse, when he felt like jumping off a cliff and ending it all. He thought of buying a box of razors and stashing them everywhere in his room to make suicide easier. 

Suicide. 

That one word normal people are afraid of. That one word people like him turn to for a definitive answer. 

He'd love to do it, but today is not the day. He'll keep avoiding it and lie to himself and to the world that he's fine with that fake smile people around him seem to love so much, even though it makes him gag inside. 

Casting his thoughts aside, he started on doing his morning routine before he gets out of his comfort zone and suffers through the pains of reality. 

* * *

 

 "-- such a worthless son!" 

Seungcheol winced as his ears were still ringing when his father punched him earlier. His father was mad again, for reasons Seungcheol didn't bother knowing. 

"I'm sorry, father." Seungcheol mumbled, hanging his head low and trying to shield his body as much as possible, decreasing the heavy handed blows from his father's fists. 

The pungent smell of alcohol invaded his nose as his father lunged forward to pull his hair and throw him on the ground. The bastard had been drinking again. Running away with their money and conveniently forgetting he has two sons to feed and raise. 

His father proceeded on beating him, hitting him mostly on his ribs. He was certain his father broke one of them because the pain he's feeling was increasing. He bit his lip to avoid screaming so that his father wouldn’t be angrier than he is at him. He let his mind linger, his worry about waking Chan—his younger brother, with this commotion filled his mind. He hoped to whatever deity out there listening to his prayers that his brother wouldn't wake up and his father's anger wouldn't shift to his brother instead. Chan's too young to be marred by the scars his abusive father bring. 

' _ Just few more months until I'm legal. Then Chan and I can get out of here.'  _ Seungcheol chanted in his mind, his body becoming numb from pain.

"Tch. If you weren't born, none of this would happen!" His father yelled before he drunkenly stumbled his way towards his bedroom. 

The slamming of doors left a hollow sound in Seungcheol's ears, his eyes unable to stop the tears from flowing. He laid on the floor a little bit more, resenting how the fates turned out. If it weren't for him, his mother wouldn't have died. His father wouldn't have turned to alcohol for consolation and Chan would’ve grown up in a household filled with warmth and love. 

He curled into a ball, silently weeping and ignoring the stabbing pain of his ribs and stomach. It took him a few minutes to calm himself down and few tries on standing upright without collapsing on the floor and causing loud noise that would set his father on wild rage again. He wobbled to where his shared room with Chan was, silently opening the door and closing it as to not wake his brother up. Stealthily, he went to the bathroom and took his concealer hidden underneath the loose tile he found ages ago. He looked at himself on the mirror and thanked his lucky stars that his father didn't decide on channelling all his punches at his face. Anything that wasn't on the face was easier to hide. The last thing he wanted was to make Chan worry about the bruises on his face. 

Carefully, Seungcheol applied the concealer on his face to hide the small bruises forming. After he finished, he walked out of the bathroom to wake Chan up for school who protested vehemently but in the end, he woke up albeit begrudgingly. 

"Hyung, is there anything to eat today?" Chan asked. 

"None, sorry." Seungcheol replied apologetically, "Dad forgot to buy food today. If you finish up early, I'll treat you to fishcakes." 

"Really hyung?" Chan's face lightened up considerably and that brought smile upon Seungcheol's face. 

"Yeah, hurry up so we can get breakfast in the way. Also, be careful when going downstairs, Dad's sleeping and if you wake him up, we'll be dead." Seungcheol warned but still smiling. 

"Alright hyung." Chan nodded and padded towards the bathroom to take a bath. 

Seungcheol's smile faded and replace with a grimace. At this rate, he'll run out of money and need to ask for advance payment from his boss. Looks like it's one less meal tonight for him. 

* * *

Jeonghan wandered through the halls of his university aimlessly, like a dead man walking. He was on break, and he didn’t have any classes until after lunch. His 10 AM class ruined everything; even though he was smart enough to pass that class Jeonghan decided to attend it to keep himself busy since he was trying to be less dependent on his medicine.

"Jeonghannie." Someone called out his name. He looked up and saw Seungcheol smiling at him, his clothes were somewhat dirty but his face and hair were clean. 

"Did you forget to do laundry again, Cheollie?" Jeonghan teased and the older male ducked his head bashfully. Jeonghan laughed. 

"Hey, at least I took a bath." Seungcheol countered playfully. He wrapped his arm around Jeonghan's shoulders, smiling. "You still up for tonight?" 

"Did Soonyoung honestly steal fireworks from his uncle?" Jeonghan asked, amused. 

"Yup! And imagine his uncle's face when he finds out that some of his goods are missing." Seungcheol laughed easily and Jeonghan wondered how he could, when some of his ribs seemed to be broken by his alcoholic father. 

Jeonghan was sure that Seungcheol doesn't notice that he notices. All those times he wore long sleeves and pants to hide bruises even on a hot day. The smears of foundation desperately covering up the bruises and black eye his father gave him. The pained laughter and tense shoulders when his stomach and chest were badly injured by his father. The limping that definitely didn't come from intercourse when he greets them in the afternoon. Jeonghan didn't mean to see it, but when he delivered hot soup made by one of their friend one time Seungcheol was sick, he heard how the older male would whimper and bite back a sob as he was called worthless by his father. How he would still get beaten up despite being sick, how Seungcheol never said anything to them and held that carefree persona of his around them. Seungcheol seemed delirious back then, not remembering anything, as Jeonghan and Chan tried to nurse him back to health as much as they could that night. 

That train of thought left a bitter feeling inside his stomach, and Jeonghan wanted to scream at Seungcheol's father for being such a monster. He would have screamed his lungs out, beaten his hands against the bastard's flesh if that what it takes for him to gain some sense of compassion for his sons. 

"Jeonghan! Are you okay?" Seungcheol's worried voice snapped him out of his reverie. 

"Yeah, sorry. I didn't have that much sleep yesterday." Jeonghan smiled sheepishly.

"You always sleep but it's never enough." Seungcheol commented, amused. He took Jeonghan's hand and dragged him out of the hallway. "Let's eat outside, my treat." 

"You treated me last time, this time will be on me." Jeonghan told the older male, tugging him to the direction of where his go-to fast food.  

* * *

"Are you guys sure this is okay?" Jihoon whispered, worried.

"Yes! This storage house's abandoned so it's safe to set up the firework sprinklers." Soonyoung replied, opening the doors of the abandoned storage house. 

The large rusty door opened with a screech, which the gang flinched visibly, as it echoed through the empty space. 

"Let's set it up guys." Seungcheol prompted, walking inside the dark storage house while the others followed his lead. 

They were in the middle of setting up everything when they heard engine roaring. Turning their attention to the sudden noise, they cheered when they saw the familiar pick up trunk with a sofa loaded at the trunk. 

"Beep beep, losers!" Jeonghan yelled as Jun put the brightest headlights on, grinning. 

Various of cheers and protests were heard and they set up the sofa in the middle of the storehouse, surrounded by various of unlit firework sprinklers, about 5 meters away from the sofa. Soonyoung protested that five meters are too far but Seungcheol's having none of it. Safety first before anything else, he chided the younger. Seeing him act like an adult disciplining a child made Jeonghan smile fondly, ignoring the light but queasy feeling inside his stomach.  

"Hyung, let's start the fireworks already." Jun whined, flicking the lighter on. 

"Fine. But I better not see you closing the distance between the sofa and the fireworks, Soonyoung." Seungcheol warned. 

"Yes dad." Soonyoung joked and ran towards to the sprinkler and flicking his lighter on, lighting  them up. Jun, Joshua and Wonwoo helped in lighting the fireworks up to make things faster. 

After the last sprinkler was lit, Soonyoung, Jun, Joshua and Wonwoo stepped back to enjoy the various of colorful sparks spewing from the sprinklers, staring in awe. 

The usually rowdy group of friends that Jeonghan has were quiet for once. Their eyes glimmer in childish delight, thoroughly enjoying the display of fireworks. Jeonghan looked at them, his heart swelling and his lips quirking up a bit. He felt grateful for having friends like them, even though sometimes he's letting them down because whenever he would refuse to go out and hang around with them. He doesn’t mean it intentionally, it’s just that he was really tired even if he did nothing the whole day. They never question it, they just wish him well, which he was grateful for; he doesn't need to turn around to avoid seeing their concerned looks. 

"You look happier." Seungcheol whispered, leaning in close. 

Jeonghan hummed and laid his head on the other's shoulder. "This night was fun. The fireworks were beautiful." 

Seungcheol turned his attention to the fireworks, now losing most of its colorful sparks due to almost burning up the wick and gunpowder. "Yeah, it was." 

The two stopped conversing and watched the fireworks die down, watching their other friends resume their obnoxious behaviour before Soonyoung decided it was a good idea to create a bonfire and roast their snacks with it. 

Joshua snuck a glance at the two people resting on the couch, their fingers softly entwined, and he chuckled softly as he decided to assign them to help him clean up the remnants of the fireworks and bury them in sand. 

* * *

Seungcheol sensed there was a problem when he found the door of their house open. Despite his father being a drunkard, he never forgets to lock, or at least close, the door before. Dread filled Seungcheol's stomach as he carefully went inside their house, his posture tense and alert.

"You're worthless! Just like your brother!" 

Seungcheol could hear his father screaming in his room, followed by a loud thud, and Seungcheol's heart beat rate shot up as he abandoned all cautiousness in the wind and rushed towards his father's room, where the door was partially open. His eyes widened when he saw his brother lying on the floor, eyes full of tears as his father’s were diluted with rage. Red filled Seungcheol's eyesight as he picked up an empty beer bottle nearby and charged towards his father, blood pounding in his ears and adrenaline rushing through his veins. 

* * *

Jeonghan decided to commute to class, desperately trying to get the heavy weight off his chest. Ever since he decided to stop relying on his medication, he had been experiencing terrible mood swings. He was easily irritable and there was this quest feeling in his stomach that he couldn’t explain. Ultimately, he decided to turn his phone off, ignoring all the calls and messages from other people including his friends and family. He doesn't want to face them, not when he could see almost all of them in university on a daily basis. It's not that he was mad at them, he was just tired of dealing with people in general. Sometimes he manages, but currently he can’t.  He was tired of pretending everything's fine, even though none was from the very start. He'd apologize but he's tired of blaming himself too. He just wants to lock himself away in his room for weeks but he has other responsibilities to do. Expectations and fears of failing them forced him to get out of his comfort zone.

All of a sudden his vision started to spin and blur, and Jeonghan knew he should panic but he feels indifferent. He still continued on walking even though his dizzy vision caused his legs to wobble, until he didn't even realise the heavy noise as he blacks out. 

* * *

 

"No no no!" Soonyoung screamed as Wonwoo laughed at him. Apparently Wonwoo burned the marshmallow roasting on Soonyoung’s stick, and now the other is glaring at him for it. Jihoon was somewhat amused and Jun was chuckling.

"You guys, play nice." Seungcheol playfully chided them, lounging comfortably in the sofa as he munched on chips. Jeonghan, who was tucked underneath his right arm, looked at him in mild disgust because some of the crumbs of the chips were falling on his shoulder. 

"Stop that." Jeonghan complained, snatching the chips away from him. 

"What? Why?" Seungcheol tried to grab the chips from Jeonghan but Joshua beat him to it, eating the chips tauntingly, making Seungcheol pout and look affronted at the same time. 

The whole group burst into laughter and Joshua gave the chips back to Seungcheol, who munched on it immediately even if Jeonghan was mockingly complaining about the crumbs. Banter and chattering filled the room, keeping the atmosphere warm and light. Jeonghan smiled at his friends' continued conversations whilst he procured the labeless container from his pocket and moving forward at the bonfire, untwisting the cap and dumping the contents in the fire. He watched the flames flicker and swallow the tablets whole, ashes settling amongst the wood. He felt satisfied to see his medicine go down in flames, feeling like he could finally release himself from the shackles of indifference the medicine brought upon him. 

Eventually, the conversations died down just as the flames turned into dying embers and it was time to call it a night. Joshua offered to give them a ride home but Jeonghan and Seungcheol refused, reasoning that both of them live nearby. Of course, their friends gave them knowing looks and Jihoon had the audacity to call them out on their "bullshit" and "fuck it out because the sexual tension was suffocating him". Both Seungcheol and Jeonghan turned red as they splutter out excuses and explanations that their friends didn't care to listen to and just told them to use protection before driving away. 

"Honestly, those kids are the worse." Seungcheol huffed, his cheeks still tinged with red. "I bet Joshua planted the idea." 

"I'm not surprised really, Wonwoo asked me once if we were going out." Jeonghan said casually, avoiding any eye contact. "I told him no and he asked me if we're friends with benefits." 

"Okay, I didn't see that one coming." Seungcheol said, "Wonwoo, of all people."

"Me neither," Jeonghan agreed. "Shall we get going?" 

The two walked in the busy streets of Seoul, awfully close but not having any direct contact with one another. Seungcheol was retelling stories about his brother Chan and how it was a pain to wake the younger up in the morning. Jeonghan was partially listening to his stories as he focused more on his voice. For some reason, Seungcheol's voice was one of Jeonghan's favorite sounds in the entire world. It has a calming effect on him and he feels he could rely on Seungcheol for about anything. 

"Jeonghan, are you listening?" Seungcheol asked him. 

"Uhm, no not really," Jeonghan admitted shyly. 

"Something on your mind?" Seungcheol asked. 

"Actually, yeah," Jeonghan replied.

"Haven't you ever thought of ending everything, Cheol? Like everyday you're so tired of everything. As day passes nothing significant really changes. It's always dull and boring because everything is so repetitive. You want to go out there and chase the stars but you don't have any stamina to. You  _ never _ had in the beginning. You're just a burn out ball of existence that follows the rotation of the Earth's axis and you never really mattered in the first place. You're merely a speck of dust in this vast universe after all." 

"I guess." Seungcheol started, looking at the sky, "but it's up to you whether you make yourself matter or not. True, you're nothing in this universe and nobody would probably care about you but that doesn't mean you can't try to be somebody to someone. Make a lasting impression on someone that even in death they will mourn for you. At least, in one person's universe, you mattered. You were someone important, someone worth remembering. It's a matter of looking to perspective, Hannie. Even if you don't have the will to chase the stars, you can always catch the falling ones. Take little steps until you gain enough courage and motivation to run as fast as you can to capture a star. It takes time but I think, if you finally made it, it's worth the wait." 

"Sorry if I was being too pessimistic for what supposed to be a fun night," Jeonghan apologized. "I always keep on wondering about these things. If I actually matter to the people that matters to me." 

Seungcheol turned to look Jeonghan in the eye and grabbed both of his hands. "Of course you do, you matter a lot to me, Yoon Jeonghan," he said with a smile on his lips and endearment in his eyes. 

Jeonghan felt his heart flutter and his stomach churn but in a good way. He felt elated to hear that he matters to a person he loves, a grateful smile making way on his face. 

"Thank you," Jeonghan said sincerely. "You matter to me too, Choi Seungcheol." 

Seungcheol smiled at him happily and honestly, he was really endearingly cute in ways that Jeonghan thought the other unconsciously unaware of. 

* * *

When Jeonghan came to, the sun was still shining bright and the streets were relatively quiet, the streets were deserted of people and he took slight comfort from that, except for the occasional thrum of cars' engine. He must have fainted then, he concluded as he pulled himself together and stood up, looking far ahead.

_ 'Should I still go...?'  _ Jeonghan wondered. It's okay for him to skip some classes but then if he goes home, the heavy weight in his chest might increase tenfold. 

' _ I'll just go _ ,' Jeonghan decided and he continued walking to his university. 

* * *

Seungcheol slammed his father against the window pane, smashing the bottle against his father’s head.

"Enough is enough. I let you beat me up for all the times you blame me for mom's death because I know it was my fault she got hit by a car  _ but _ it was your fault for being too busy to answer your phone," Seungcheol harshly whispered, his hands trembling in rage and his voice thick and heavy with emotions. "Beat me up all you want, hell, kill me if you hated me so much but don't you  _ ever _ lay your hands on my brother, you  _ useless  _ excuse for a father."  

As if he was a  puppet being pulled by the strings, Seungcheol stabbed his father with the jagged edges of the broken wine bottle at his stomach, over and over again until his hands were soaked in blood and there were puddles underneath his boots. If Chan didn't pull his brother away as hard as he can, Seungcheol would have killed his father. 

Seungcheol's eyes widened as he let go of the bottle he was holding, letting it fall into the ground and smash into pieces. He was horrified and frozen with shock, staring at his father's slumped body against the wall. The window pane had some blood stains on them when his father slid down after Chan pulled him away that was enough for the neighbors to suspect murder in their house. 

"Hyung..." Chan called out warily, looking alarmed and concerned. 

"Channie... Channie call the ambulance." Seungcheol's voice were shaking as his hands couldn't stop trembling. 

"But—"

"Chan! Please!" Seungcheol yelled desperately, and Chan immediately took out his phone and dialled the nearest hospital. 

Seungcheol didn't know what to do anymore. He was staring at his father's body, he could hear the ragged breaths as his father tries to stay awake and alive. Mortification and trepidation overwhelmed him that he wanted to get away from this situation that he made. He was blinded by anger that he didn't realize what he was doing until it was almost too late. 

"I'm sorry," he croaked, tears now leaking from his eyes. "I'm sorry." 

Seungcheol hurriedly left, like a madman on frenzy, and ran in the streets as fast as he can with no direction in mind. He was frazzled and he kept repeating to himself that he didn't mean to do it, he didn't mean to almost kill his father for laying a heavy hand on his brother

Eventually, Seungcheol found himself at the doorstep of Jeonghan's apartment, ringing the bell with a shaky hand. 

* * *

 

 "Seungcheol?" 

Seungcheol looked up and saw Jeonghan with a questioning look on his face why was he ringing him late at night. Seungcheol ignored the unasked question and flung himself towards Jeonghan, startling and worrying the blonde at the same time with the impromptu tight embrace he received. 

"Cheol, what's wrong?" Jeonghan asked, closing the door behind him and dragging the other to his bed, who clung to him tightly like a koala. 

"I..." Seungcheol inhaled deeply, "I... I might have just killed my father," he said shakily, almost at the verge of tears. "I swear I didn't mean to do it! I swear!"  

"Cheol, calm down please," Jeonghan said, rubbing circles at Seungcheol's back as he try and soothe him. "Deep breaths and tell me again what really happened." 

Seungcheol did as he was told and hesitated for a few minutes before he started telling the story to his friend who listened attentively. Whilst he was wrapping it up, Jeonghan's shoulder tensed a bit that made  Seungcheol  worried his best friend might turn him in to the police. 

“Cheol…” Jeonghan said softly, “what are you planning right now?”

“Honestly? I don’t think I can do this. I want to run away, I want to turn back time before all of this happened. I shouldn’t have…. I shouldn’t have let my anger consume me, but I can’t let my father hurt Chan. Chan is innocent, he didn’t do anything wrong. It’s all my fault.” Seungcheol replied, muffled. 

Jeonghan looked at the man in his arms, unsure of what to do. He was suddenly put in a situation that both of them have no control as well having no idea how to handle. If this was up to Jeonghan, he would immediately run away recklessly like a coward. Knowing Seungcheol, he wouldn’t exactly accept his rubbish advice of running away if he was in his right mind and Jeonghan doesn’t think Seungcheol would last long without looking after his brother. 

“Then come back to Chan. Confess what you did. That’s the only way out here, I think.” Jeonghan dipped his head and murmured in Seungcheol’s ear, holding him close. 

“I can’t… I’m too afraid, Han.” Seungcheol said weakly. 

“Don’t be afraid because there’s nothing to be afraid of. They will know you’re just defending your brother from physical abuse. Have faith.” Jeonghan soothed the older, even if his words sounded hollow. 

Seungcheol was quiet for a period of time that Jeonghan thought he fell asleep. Given on how frazzled and frantic Seungcheol arrived at his doorstep, exhaustion wearing him down to the point of unconsciousness was completely understandable. However, Seungcheol shifted and freed himself from the blonde’s embrace thwarted Jeonghan’s initial thought. 

“Jeonghan… can you promise me something?” Seungcheol asked timidly. 

“Depends. What is it?” Jeonghan replied. 

“If, I do get thrown in jail because my father died from his injuries, will you please take care of Chan for me?” Seungcheol asked. 

“I’m not his legal guardian, but I will try.” Jeonghan promised. 

Seungcheol looked relieved, “thank you.” He said with absolute sincerity. Jeonghan smiled. 

“Stay the night Cheol. I know you’re in no position to go home yet. Take the bed, I have spare mattress anyway so I can make do with the floor.” Jeonghan told him. 

“You don’t have to do that, I’m just a guest, I can take the spare mattress, keep the bed.” Seungcheol said instead.

“No really, it’s fine Cheol. You had a rough night so you get some privileges.” Jeonghan insisted. 

“How about we just sleep together?” Seungcheol said and it took him few seconds to realize his mistake. His face flushed. “Not like that! I mean, let’s just share the bed since it looked like it’s big enough for two people to sleep in and not do weird stuff.” He corrected himself and Jeonghan laughed at him. Seungcheol threw a pillow nearby at the blonde’s face, pouting. 

“Alright, if you say so Cheollie.” Jeonghan teased him, “I’ll bring out the spare pillows and blanket for you. Also the lube and condom if you changed your mind. Extra large and chocolate flavored right?” 

Jeonghan immediately ran towards the bathroom laughing obnoxiously just as Seungcheol chased him, face burning red from embarrassment. He really shouldn’t have told Jeonghan his preference, getting teased like this was very much humiliating. Thank god he didn’t tell the other about his kinks or else he will never get through the without being teased.

* * *

 Jeonghan was used to the feeling of helplessness choking his neck and his low self esteem crushing him. He hates it, but he learned to live with it every time he closes his eyes and submerge himself in the swirling pool of abyss waiting for him in his dreams. So whenever he wakes up in the morning, he was  used to the constricted feeling inside his chest, preventing him to breathe properly. 

That’s why he find it odd waking up in this particular morning as if there was nothing wrong, that his dreams weren’t of that madness, that he didn’t have to suffer in silence for few moments before everything returns to normal. He was about to get up from bed when he realize there was an arm wrapped around his waist and restricting him from further movement to get up from bed. He turned around and saw the sleeping figure of Seungcheol and what transpire yesterday came flooding in his mind. He felt empathy for his best friend and the subject of his romantic affections, for suffering from what happened yesterday; it was the first time he saw how broken the other was, ready to collapse there and then. He would have if Jeonghan didn’t open his doors and let him in. 

Opting to watch Seungcheol in his sleep instead of his initial plan of getting up from bed to sleep in the bathtub while bathing, Jeonghan took interest watching the rhythmically rise and fall of Seungcheol’s chest and the soft snores coming out his plump lips. He had the sudden urge to caress the other’s facial features gently but the fear of waking the other up refrained him from doing so. Without thinking properly, Jeonghan scooted closer to Seungcheol and pressed his ear against Seungcheol’s ribcage as he listens to his steady heartbeat that eventually lulled him to sleep. 

* * *

Jeonghan woke up for the second time and the bed was devoid of Choi Seungcheol. Abruptly, he sat up, looking around when he heard the sound of the shower being turned off that made him slump in relief. Jeonghan mentally slapped himself for being worried about Seungcheol disappearing in his sight like an idiot.

“Hey.” Seungcheol greeted him once he got out of the bathroom, fully clothed and drying his hair with a spare towel, “you’re up.” 

“Yeah. Are you starving? I’ll cook breakfast for us.” Jeonghan got up and made his way to the kitchenette. 

“Jeonghan,” Seungcheol called out, “I can’t stay. Chan called me and told me that dad was fine but he was still in the hospital. He got lucky because none of the wounds were that deep although he lost a lot of blood but they managed to get him some before everything went critical. I’m heading out to go check on Chan and my father. I hope you don’t mind me using your shower.” 

“Oh. That’s good news, at least you’re not going to rot in jail.” Jeonghan said playfully, “but you should at least eat first. I think I have some left over bibimbap and kimchi from last night. Wait until I packed it up for you and Chan to eat.” 

“Are you sure? I don’t want to inconvenience you further.” Seungcheol said, frowning. 

“It’s fine, don’t worry. This is what friends are for right?” Jeonghan dismissed Seungcheol’s worries away, “besides, just treat me next time if you still feel guilty.” 

“Thank you Jeonghan. You’re truly an angel, I’m so glad that you’re my friend. I meant it.” Seungcheol said, looking touched and guilty at the same time. “God, what did I do to deserve a friend like you?” 

Jeonghan laughed but said nothing, ignoring the increasing rate of his heartbeat and the slight tremble of his hands. He concentrated on cooking breakfast and heating up the leftover bibimbap for the brothers to enjoy rather than repeating the words Seungcheol uttered earlier in his head. 

The breakfast was mostly a quiet affair, since Seungcheol was busy shoveling food in his mouth and Jeonghan constantly reminding Seungcheol to slow down his intake of food lest he choke on them. When they finished eating, Seungcheol dumped his plate on the sink and was about to wash the dishes when Jeonghan stopped him, handing him the lunchbox containing the food for him and his brother, before Jeonghan shooed him away in the kitchenette and basically threw him out of his apartment. Seungcheol went on his way, apprehensive to face his family. 

* * *

“Seungcheol-hyung.” Chan greeted him when he saw his brother entering the hospital room.

“Hi.” Seungcheol said nervously. 

“He’s unconscious right now. Doctors say he might wake up later or tomorrow.” Chan informed him. 

“Oh… Thanks. Have you eaten?” Seungcheol asked, “I got us food if you want to eat.” 

“Sure.” Chan agreed, walking towards to his older brother. 

Apprehensive, Seungcheol propped up the table and laid out the tupperware and utensils Jeonghan prepared for them stiffly as he avoided looking at his brother’s direction whilst the younger get chairs. They sat down and spent the meal in tense silence, until Chan put down his spoon midway eating. 

“Hyung.” Chan started, “we need to talk.” 

Seungcheol sighed dejectedly, motioning for his brother to continue. 

“Why did you do that? Why did you almost kill dad?” Chan asked tersely. 

“My senses were overcome by anger. I told myself that you shouldn’t get that kind of treatment. Our father is abusive, and it’s fine if he only beats me up but I certainly cannot allow him to do the same thing to you. You’re too young to be traumatised by him.” Seungcheol answered, clenching his fists.

“Hyung, I’m not a child anymore.” Chan said with a tinge of anger in his voice, “I know dad is a shitty dad and that everyday you get beatings from him. I maybe slow but I’m not  blind nor deaf.”

“I’m sorry.” Seungcheol apologized. 

Chan heaved a sigh, “I love you hyung and I don’t like seeing you hurt. I don’t like how you desperately try to hide everything behind your back and face me with a smile when I’m supposed to be tending your bruises. You don’t have to be an impregnable fortress for me hyung, I can handle the truth. It’s okay to be vulnerable at times.” Chan reached out for his brother’s hand, looking him directly in his eyes, “I’m here for you hyung. It’s my turn to protect you now. You don’t have to suffer in silence alone.” 

At that moment, Seungcheol’s eyes shed tears until his body was silently sobbing, remembering the times he spent in the dark, contemplating his whole existence. Desperately trying not to show cracks on his facade whenever he faced his brother. Acting like everything is fine, that he is fine. But it wasn’t.  _ He is not fine. _ He’s tired of tolerating his father’s alcoholic tendencies. He’s tired of having to lie to Chan about their father. He’s tired of being afraid of his father. 

He is tired, but he needs to be strong for the sake of his brother. 

_ Now he doesn’t have to be strong all the time anymore.  _

The burden on his back lightened considerably and he doesn’t feel like he was carrying world around his shoulders. It gave him hope to hear those words from his brother, a more positive mindset about everything. He is allowed to fall because now Chan will be there to catch him. They can go through this together. 

“Stop crying hyung, you look ugly.” Chan teased, offering him his napkin. 

“You cheeky brat.” Seungcheol retaliated, accepting the napkin to wipe his eyes. Chan laughed, vibrant and free, and it made him smile fondly. 

“Please be quiet.” Someone told them and both slightly jumped in surprise, not expecting anyone to enter the room while they were bickering. 

“Sorry.” They apologized in unison to that person, who turned out to be the nurse. She gave them a look as she checked their father’s statistics and another as she leaves the room. The brothers were properly chastised and somewhat scared at the strict nurse but that didn’t stop them from making some noise after she left. 

“Hyung, are you still hungry? Let’s go grab some fish cakes, my treat.” Chan said brightly as he exited the room and Seungcheol chuckled fondly as he follow the suit.  

* * *

_ ‘You matter a lot to me, Yoon Jeonghan’ _ (you don’t)

_ ‘Thank you Jeonghan. You’re truly an angel’ _ (you’re not) ‘ _ What did I do to deserve a friend like you? _ ’ (he deserves better) 

 

(Stop lying to yourself Jeonghan. He doesn’t love you.) 

 

“Shut up.” Jeonghan muttered, “shut up, shut up.”

 

(Did you really think that your friends care for you? That Seungcheol loves you? Wake up, Jeonghan, you’re no one. You’re not worthy of their love. You’re just a nobody.) 

 

“I fucking told you to shut up, didn’t I?” Jeonghan screamed, throwing his pillow at the other side of the room. 

 

(Go die, Yoon Jeonghan.) 

 

Jeonghan ran inside the bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet with too much force, searching for his medicine frantically before he remembered that he burned it days ago. Stupid stupid stupid, he thought as he opened up the faucet of the sink, concentrating at the noise its creating. 

 

(Go die, Yoon Jeonghan. You’re a waste of time and space.) 

 

“Leave me alone.” Jeonghan sobbed desperately, falling on the ground. “Leave me alone,  _ please. _ ”

The night after Seungcheol left, his nightmares became worse and he hasn’t been feeling himself. It was similar to how he felt when he collapsed in the middle of the road for the first time but he didn’t pay too much attention to it. The usual darkness and helplessness in his nightmares turned into something uglier, affecting his self esteem and his mental health greatly. For the past few days he could hear the negative voices in his head, whispering about how useless and stupid he is and he should just end himself but Jeonghan chose not to listen to those voices. He directed his thoughts in his happy place, reminiscing the times that he and his friends were having fun or the light headed but warm feeling he would usually feel whenever he’s around Seungcheol. That drove the voices away for a while, until they started coming back, screaming loudly in his head and distorting the happy memories to negative ones. Recently, Jeonghan had been restless and refusing to sleep, finding ways on how to stop the voices inside his head from screaming. He tried everything to the point that he tried getting drunk but the voices were loud enough to keep him sober no matter how many bottles of soju he drank. So he turned to his last resort : self harm. 

He drew marks on his body, most especially on his wrists, finding satisfaction in the peace and quiet he obtains whenever he feels the dull throbbing of pain and the streak of red marks standing out against his pale skin. Jeonghan thought that as long as he inflict harm on himself, the voices will stop. However, even inflicting self harm wasn’t enough. The voices wanted more. They wanted him to  _ die _ . 

And Jeonghan didn’t want to. He swore that he will not go for that option until he has no choice left. 

Right now, it seemed like the best option. Pleading for it stop, shutting it out, it doesn’t work. The voices were ruthless and harsh, knocking down anything that prevents him from slicing his wrists open. 

So he did what the voices wanted him to do, he went to the kitchenette and grabbed a knife with shaky hands. The voices were cheering him on. It was funny, his hands keep on shaking these past few days. May be if he cut the veins connected to his hands the shaking will stop. 

“Allow me to say goodbye at least.” Jeonghan spat angrily. The voices were quiet. He took that as a yes, going back to his bed to pull out his bag underneath his bed. He placed the knife beside him, took out a pad of yellow paper and pen to begin writing. 

* * *

 

Seungcheol intended to relay the good news of him and his brother’s reconciliation to Jeonghan but he became so busy about his father and explaining his sudden absence to his boss that he forgot to tell the good news and return the items he borrowed from Jeonghan until he saw his brother cleaning it up for him. It’s been roughly a week since he saw or even talk to Jeonghan; the other must have been peeved that Seungcheol didn’t message him first so he’s giving him the cold shoulder now.

“I should check up on him.” Seungcheol told himself, “he’s probably sulking by now.” He chuckled, taking the topperware and utensils once Chan was done washing them to pack it up in the lunch box. 

“You should take the leftover jjangmyeon in the fridge as a peace offering. Jeonghan hyung will forgive you easily.” Chan suggested. 

“Alright.” Seungcheol said, taking out the jajamyeon and put it inside the lunchbox so he could just heat it up in Jeonghan’s place. 

He bid goodbye to his brother before heading out, jogging to Jeonghan’s place because it’s not that far. He arrived there twenty minutes later, ringing the doorbell of Jeonghan’s apartment. When there was no answer, he tried again, thinking that the otherwas ignoring him. When there was still no answer, Seungcheol called him out, “Hannie it’s me, Seungcheol.”

There was still no response and Seungcheol thought the other must have gone out when he noticed the door was slightly open, enough to make others believe it was closed but upon closer inspection it’s open. Curiously, Seungcheol pushed the door open and his eyes widen at the disarray appearance of Jeoghan’s apartment. 

Normally it was tidy because despite being a lazy person, Jeonghan likes cleaning. However the place looked like it was ransacked; the bedsheets were on the floor, the furnitures were all over the room, some of the appliances lay broken on the floor. Seungcheol immediately checked the bathroom when he heard soft dripping of water and he dropped what his holding as his knees wobbled at what he saw. 

Jeonghan body were submerged in the bathtub, except for his head and right arm. He seemed to be sleeping but the rise and fall of his shoulders in an abnormal rate said otherwise. His right arm was sticking out, blood dripping on the floor and the entire bathwater were colored with blood. 

“Shit. Jeonghan!” Seungcheol yelled, running towards him and pulling him out of the water. “Shit, what did you do?” 

“Cheollie?” Jeonghan said weakly, opening his eyes slowly, “why are you here?” 

“I was supposed to check up on you. But fuck, what did you do to yourself?” Seungcheol cradled Jeonghan’s almost limp figure in his arms, hastily getting his handkerchief in his pockets to wrap it around the bleeding wounds and tie it tightly to stop it from bleeding. 

“I was supposed to die.” Jeonghan whispered, sounding like out of breath. “Let me."

“No.” Seungcheol said furiously, glaring at Jeonghan, taking out his phone to call the nearest hospital immediately. He stated the emergency and was assured by the staff that the ambulance will arrive in five minutes. Jeonghan was silent, his eyes still fluttering rapidly as if he’s still trying to survive despite trying kill himself in the first place. 

Seungcheol carried Jeonghan out of the bathroom and placed him on the bed before opening the door widely so that it’ll be easier to bring Jeonghan out of the apartment. Exactly five minutes of anxious waiting, the ambulance staff arrived and placed Jeonghan on the stretcher they brought along with some medical supplies as they drag the almost unconscious man out, with Seungcheol lagging behind. 

 

 

 

Everything was a blur to Jeonghan; he could hear people and lights surrounding him but his impaired hearing and vision kept him from distinguishing everything properly. It doesn’t matter he thought, because he’s going to die soon anyway. 

The thought of Seungcheol seeing him dying in the bathtub tickled the back of his mind, the mixed looks of bewilderment, sadness and anger evident on his features made Jeonghan’s heart ache. 

I did that, he thought, I hurt him. Ha, even until the end I’m still such a worthless piece of shit. It’s a good thing I’m dying. I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone anymore.

It was comforting to think of that way, knowing that your story has been finished and it’s time to close the chapter. No more suffering for him or for the people around him, only tranquility and peace of what lies beyond the realm of the living. He supposed that the darkness he had been so afraid of was so much kinder and warmer here than when he was living. What was he so afraid of in the first place? He should have done this earlier. If he did, he wouldn’t had hurt anyone like what he did with Seungcheol. If he did this earlier, the voices wouldn’t have screamed at him. He had been stupid but that’s alright, he already did it and no one will bother him again.

* * *

  _“Did you really want to die? No one commits suicide because they want to die. Then why do they do it? Because they want to stop the pain.”_ \- Tiffanie DeBartolo

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact : this is based on an MV. Try guessing what it is! 
> 
> ask me about my writing / stuff : [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/wennesday)  
> twitter : [@wennesday](https://mobile.twitter.com/wennesday)  
> 


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